Oh poor blog, so very long neglected. In part because my big health kick fell on its face (surprised? Thought not.) and then my motivation for things in general fell on its face. Instead I’ve been burying my head in books, occasionally writing a book review (which seems redundant to post here given that the smatter of people who read this are also on Goodreads), and playing with my dog. And really that’s no fun to read about…I mean, I thoroughly enjoy the sweet brown eyes, floppy ears, and silky hair of my four legged friend…but really what enjoyment are you guys going to get out of such a tale?
I also spent much of this downtime in my head, thinking and pondering all that had lead me to this point. Such deep thoughts take a while sometimes. They root around in the rich dark soil of your childhood, pushing through the flaky surface until you see if you grew a treasured gem or a weed. I realized that it had been a while since strolling through my mental garden and it was time to revisit and take stock. Looking around I realized that some of the growth is just dank choke that needs to be pulled up and thrown out because its detrimental to the good stuff. In other areas things I was sure would burst forth and boldly declare, “Here taste of my sweet fruit! Look at how high my branches grew! Don’t I smell divine?” lie utterly flat. The soil patted down much as I left it months or years ago. A total bust. Not one green shoot to show for my loving labor and best laid plans. There are several of these lifeless patches now that I take care to look at them.
So that is what I’ve been up to. Looking at the brown patches of my life. Figuring out why they failed to grow. And while I never actually jumped up and screamed “eureka”, I did feel the Pillars of Self shift a little when the realizations of a lifetime of patterns crashed into them. By no means do I have it all figured out…but with clearer eyes I see where and how things went wrong.
You would not believe, or perhaps you would, how exhausting all this self-examination leaves one. And so I find myself currently in a quiet mode of mustering. I feel as though I see what is wrong (more water, less shade, more nitrate in the soil) and how I need to change to get these dead patches blooming. But I’m not quite to the point of action. Almost…soon…but not just yet.
