Family Tree - I don't think we're in Kansas anymore

I was helping a child with her homework (yes I am allowed around children, especially when academics is involved) and found that I was doing alarming amounts of revisionist history on the fly. It was okay, because this is not my child so my white lies of simplicity are of no consequence to her. It was a simple family tree exercise to show how there are all sorts of nuclear families. Awesome right? I totally agree! We happily sat there with crayons, calling out names, debating whether a dog should be listed as her sister, daughter or omitted altogether. (In case you are wondering, we put the pooch (and fishes) on a bush next to the tree.) After a few revisions she had a wonderful tree she proudly tucked into her notebook and off she went.
However after the assignment was done it still nagged at me. She was from a pretty straight up family, one divorce. I on the other hand, am a product of many different marriages and divorces. Well technically, I guess I am the product of a single marriage....but have subsequently been subjected to all sorts of pairings. It seemed a challange, could I draw a diagram that represented the basics of my family history for 3 generations? Take a look, note that a double dash (/ /) denotes divorce. 

Keep in mind this is the second draft and I did some serious selective omitting of the people along the way. For example my own paternal grandparents and aunts aren't on the tree. Same for spouses of aunts/uncles, grandparents of divorced dads, etc. Sooooorry. :/ But the first draft wasn't even possible without rotating the paper in a circle. So this was the editted down version that was applicable to my life history.

A funny thing to overlay on all of this is the fact that if you ask me to list my family its a short one. As of today it is my mother, my father, and myself. That's it. That's what I consider "my family" to be. But if one were to be completely honest you would have to start listing some pretty funny relations. Technically I have a 1/2 brother and a 1/2 sister, and a step sister. After that we start to go off the deep end of descriptors and start listing things like ex-step-sister, 2nd cousin by marriage, ex-step-mother, etc.

But it does bring up a good point for discussion. In this day and age where a person's history can easily involve 2+ marriages, siblings by blood or marriage, friends that are closer than any family member - what is the approriate way to define your family? Is a family tree even something that can possibly be applied to today's families? I think the definition is different depending on whether you are talking legality or actual day-to-day living, but even then it doesn't look anything like a "tree", a bramble maybe. For example, legally my current father is not my father, he would be a step father. But if you ask me, he is my dad and we'll have to have a fight if you try and claim otherwise ;) And the man that was legally listed on my birth certificate as my father, was not even biologically related to me. And the man that was biologically my father, well I never really knew all that much. So you tell me folks. Is the notion of a "family tree" dead in today's society? I know that for me its never been important, but this exercise showed me that it isn't even relavent and potentially misleading. In no way can a tree represents who I am or who I love.
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We should come with a warning in public

Imagine a world where people had the ability to post their identities on their clothing much like the ratings guide on TV shows.  Mine would usually read MA – S/L/N*, which for those who have lives outside of TV means – Mature Audiences Only, contains Sexual situations, Language, and Nudity*.  It would serve as a warning to others that I’m going to say stuff, and if you don’t want to hear it you had best put yourself more than 10 feet away from me.
(*subject to drunkenness and proximity to a warm lake in the summer)

I can see other items that would be good to know as well, such as political affiliations or relationship status; pretty much any of the twenty some odd common points that any individual is bound to have.  But for the sake of this entry let’s just boil it down to a TV guide situation that indicates the things that are likely to occur, in action or speech, on a given evening.

Imagine the freedom that would come from such information.  One look at me and the waiter would seat me in their MA section of the restaurant. At the theater the MAs could sit near other MAs and create a buffer of “adultness” that children should avoid.  MA avoidance would be added to the list of things parents teach their kids.  “Tommy, you are only allowed to be around PG-13s for now, if I find you with a MA dash anything you will be grounded, is that clear?”

No longer would I be subject to a look of disapproving scorn from a mother (PG) when, as invariably happens, my friends and I let loose with a tirade of adult only content followed by outrageous laughter and a “I can beat that!” mentality.

Her viewpoint:  We are in a public place and there are children here!! How incredibly rude and inappropriate for her to be discussing sexual position that are great for women. What a slut!

My viewpoint: We are in a brewery which happens to allow minors, you made a choice to bring your child here, so don’t eyeball me…you thought that was bad,  just wait till you hear what I say next.

There have been many such incidents in my life, the most atrocious usually involving restaurants where you are not able to easily relocate or remove yourself from proximity to one another.  And yes, I agree that when in public we should all abide by the Social Contract that says look around at your audience and adjust your speech accordingly.  I can clean it up when need be and have a whole slate of substitute swearing (oh sugar!) for when I’m in the presence of children.  It’s not as though I’m an asshole who is looking to be rude to children.  However, I do not agree that the presence of a child automatically dictates that I have to downgrade my MA – S/L/N to your PG.  Children seem to be EVERYWHERE these days, they are wandering the halls at work, in bars (until 10pm), and in R-rated movies!  I was once told to “watch what you’re saying, my kids are right here” by a parent who had decided it was appropriate for his three children (ranging from probably 6 to 12) to see The Hangover, THE HANGOVER!  For the sake of his children my response was PG, informing this sanctimonious parent that he was about to see a lot worse than what I had just said, and if he was already offended he might want to see a different movie that the kids would enjoy more, turned around, and resumed my conversation, though embarrassed enough to bring it to PG-13 cause honestly I didn’t see (or think) that there were young kids directly behind me.

The point of that little story was that informative clothing would be a great way of avoiding such incidences in the future, when possible people would huddle into their selective groups naturally, or if you were vastly outnumbered you would know that perhaps you should take it down a notch and respect the rating of the overwhelming majority.  Parents would find like-minded parents with similar parenting styles.  Everyone would thrive in their perspective environments. It would be great!

And anything that reduces my chance of being sat next to a kid under the age of 4 in a restaurant, I’m allll for, for both our sakes. ;)

Cheers!
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