Reactions have crossed the spectrum from “are you insane?”
to “omg. You are my hero”. Frankly
neither of those extremes apply to how I feel about things. Life is seemingly long and short all at once. It presents small windows of opportunity for
change with minimal disruption to others.
This window was screaming, “Tear down the house and start fresh!” The family obligations are gone, there was no
one to support (kids, friends in need, etc.), minimal financial overhead, and a
nest egg was sitting there ready to fall back on. So why not jump? A life of doing the right thing and falling
in line has its rewards to be sure. You
have security, the 401K gets funded, and you are part of normal society, Mon –
Fri productively trudging to your little job, and slamming your social life and
me time into the two days that are your own.
The path of your life is stretched long and straight in front of you for
miles/years.
For the last year or so that path has been frustratingly
boring. Predictable. More of the same “right thing” that I have done for so
long. Working non-stop since 17, college
w/ jobs, career job lined up before I graduated, and then work nonstop until
three weeks ago. And this nagging thought would not stop pestering me…”why are
you doing this?” In the morning when I awoke,
in the car, in my dreams at night…”why are you doing this?” And I had no good answer. To support kids? No, no kids. To support family? No they are retired and
well-funded. To be able to buy whatever
you want? No, I’m not really into material possessions or “toys”. The only answer I could seem to come up with
was, “because it’s what’s expected of a successful person.” The only answer that seemed to garner a yes
was not because of my motivations in
life, rather a measure of what others defined as a successful life.
Slow pause of epiphany.
Sooooo what happens if I throw that out the window? What
happens if I cease to scamper down this predefined path of American capitalism
that someone has deemed the right life to lead?
The need to quit, and immediately, became my mantra. But, being responsible, the real work had
just begun. Time for analysis. Time to
slice and dice funding scenarios, risk tolerance, and yes…even external opinions
of friends and family. The Libra in me placed each pro and con on the scale,
weighing, balancing all of the factors, worst and best case scenarios. In the end the choice was overwhelmingly
clear. I could do this. I could jump and I would probably be okay. I awoke one morning a few months later with
the utmost of clarity, I was free to jump.
Regardless of the outcome of this little experiment, that
morning will always be held precious in my life. The crystal clear certainty, the airiness of
freedom, the sheer possibilities that unfolded before me took my breath
away.
And thank goodness my assuredness was so strong, because my
company did not want me to go. They routed me through HR, through benefits….explore
this option, perhaps this would give you the break you need and then come
back. Sure it was tempting…but it wasn’t
what my brain told me I needed. My inner
voice very clearly said, “This is not a leave of absence to recharge and
return. This is a stick of dynamite to
the house you have built.” I want to tear
my lovely house down to its concrete slab and rebuild. I am not ungrateful or feel that I have
wasted my life until this point. Quite
the contrary, the life I led up to this point was perfect for me and my
needs. Sizable student loans were paid
down, assistance was able to be given to my family and friends in their hours
of need, the 401k was seeded early and now simply needs time to grow, homes
were purchased, trips taken, and tabs picked up for the group. It was a lovely little life. Key word “was”.
Perhaps this is what people have called a midlife crisis; it
could be, though I dislike the label. A
crisis implies doom, something that needs to be staunched immediately so that
everything can return to normal. That is
quite the opposite of what I feel. This is something that needs to be explored,
given breath to and let roam. It could
be that, like a well-trained horse, I return to the stable and settle back into
the same sort of job. Or I could end up being a bartender in some obscure
seaside town. It is all unknown to me at this point. The important bit, the
absolutely thrilling bit, is that for the first time in 20 years of working there
is a choice.
I get the feeling that my radical notion of “choice” is not
so radical to many others. They raise an
eyebrow as if to say, “well haven’t you had the ability to choose your whole
life?” and yes, they would be
correct. I did, technically, have the
ability to choose my whole life. But I never had the bravery to act on it I
suppose. The expectations for my life
were presented quite clearly by my parents and pleasing my parents was
important. The path was - excel in
school, find a career, be successful, by a home, fall in line. Even to this day I can clearly remember the disappointment
my parents had in me when I decided not to pursue a master’s degree. This was not the plan. They both hold masters and/or doctorates and
the notion that their only child was stopping at a bachelor’s was a bit
appalling. There was much consternation
on their part that I would be dropping out of academia at this pathetically low
level. That was only offset with a sigh
of relief as I gained employment in the IT field before graduating and they
realized that I would not be flipping burgers and wasting my life.
By the way…“Wasting your life”…what the hell does that mean? This is not a rhetorical question, I would genuinely
be interested to know what people’s definition of this is to themselves. To me it implies that there is a quantitative
measurement of usefulness, and its corollary a measurement of uselessness. But what are those measurements? The older I get the more they have
shifted. Is it money? Is it contentedness in life? Is it reputation or accolades from your
chosen profession? And is it only for
certain predefined “worthy” professions?
In my youth I suppose I would have looked down on a person who didn’t make
a lot of money and didn’t have many notable possessions. Their general happiness was a secondary
variable. Now, it seems to me that
contentedness, being happy in one’s day to day existence, is the primary variable in the equation of
life. So if you are a hillbilly in a
cabin, fishing and reading all day, living off the land…is that wasting your
life? Or is it the CIO toiling away for
90 hours a week at a start-up that is wasting her life? Without asking them about how content they
are I wouldn’t be able to tell you.
It has been a couple
weeks and I am ready to start exploring options. The power down stage is completed…I have
slept as much as I want, read my backlog of books, watched TV, caught up on neglected
friendships, come to peace with friendships that have been lost, contemplated
life and my strengths and flaws. For the
moment I feel clearer about my life than I have in a long time. When you push away the daily grind it’s
amazing how clear the big picture becomes.
Those Europeans have it right…a vacation isn’t 1 or 2 frantic weeks with
massive work before you go, and backlog waiting for you upon your return. It’s a 4 week get away every year to chill
the eff out. It’s been three weeks for
me and it’s amazing how refreshed my brain feels.
That’s it for now. Enjoy the day and be kind to each other. Cheers.
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